Generation 2: Chapter 5

Sunday morning soon came and I got ready, then cleaned up the house a little. I went to Julia's yesterday to see if she was home like Hitomi had asked of me the night that I got back, but Julia wasn't home, or she at least didn't answer the door, so I left. I texted Lana, letting her know I was in town and that I was coming over today to see Lucy; it was sort of last minute, seeing as I've been home for a day now and still haven't said anything to her. But, she said it was okay, and that she wanted to talk to me anyways, so I made my way over there after I had gotten the house straightened up. 

I was a little distracted today, I must admit.. I knew I had to go to the cemetery later on today and visit my parents, but my stomach felt queasy every time I thought about it. It was almost noon and I knew my sisters were probably on their way there already, I just hoped one of them didn't call me to come there, or called me crying about it; I needed to keep those feelings at bay until I was at the cemetery by myself.

I got to Lana's quicker than I expected, she buzzed me in and unlocked her door for me. When I reached her condo, I was greeted at the door with her on the phone and not even doing a double take at me; it had been a while since I last saw her and she barely cares. I still loved how she carried herself, my eyes traveling down her and watching as she walked away from me, giggling over the phone. As much as I didn't want to see her, it was kind of nice to see someone familiar that lived in Bridgeport other than my sisters; I didn't have many friends here. I heard Lana giggle once more and her tone was flirty with whomever she was talking with, hating to admit that I was beginning to get a little jealous and I cleared my throat. Lana looked to me and then back out the window, holding up her index finger to 'wait a second' and I grew angry instantly. 

Was she doing all of this just to make me jealous? I hadn't come back to visit as much as I had done the passed years I was away at college; maybe she was mad at me. I watched her turn and walk towards the kitchen slowly, as if flaunting her conversation right in my face and I sighed heavily with irritation. Listening to her seductive words made me roll my eyes with frustration and I cleared my throat one more time, grabbing her attention again and she sighed, saying goodbye to who was on the phone and looking to me with a slight smirk.

"Hi, Stranger. Want to explain to me why I haven't seen you in over 6 months?" She began to already get on my nerves and I scoffed.

"Phone goes both ways, Lana.. If you wanted me to visit, all you have to do is call me. But, I see that from your conversation on the phone just now, I know that you can see how a phone works," I replied and she rolled her eyes, already going to a different subject.

"So, been having fun while at college?" She asked sarcastically. I was getting fed up with her tone very quickly and I just wanted to see Lucy and leave already.

"Where's Lucille?" I asked with a demanding tone.

"Upstairs in her crib, napping. Jason, we need more money," she replied, changing the subject abruptly again.

But, I grew concerned, my expression going calm and I wondered if she was struggling at all. I thought the checks I write her every month to help out with Lucy would be enough, but now I wondered if it wasn't and I began to almost feel guilty. "Wait, why? Are you okay?" I asked.

"Lucy is growing up so fast, it seems like I have to buy her a whole new wardrobe every two weeks or so. All I need is for you to add a couple hundred onto it," she requested and I hesitated; I never had a problem giving money to Lana for herself and Lucy, but I always got the impression that she was just using the money on luxury items instead of essentials, which worried me as well.. I had bought her this condo when she had Lucy because I didn't want her to live with me, I furnished it for her, too. Yet, it seemed like she had new furniture, decorations and paintings every time I visited.

"Yeah, of course.. Whatever you two need," I replied and she smirked.

"Will you take Lucy for tonight? I have plans and I can't watch her," she asked next and I sighed.

"No, I can't.. I have to go to the cemetery later and I don't want to bring her there. I'll have to explain stuff to her that I'm in no mood of doing, not today.." I replied and she grew sour.

"Jeez, you'd think that you'd want to spend time with your own daughter instead of just dropping by whenever you feel like it," Lana replied and my expression twisted into anger.

"I'm going to college so I can have a good job after I graduate and continue to support you two whenever my parents money runs out.. Since they gave all us kids money.. Because they died. Stop coming at me like I'm ignoring you or abandoning you. I'm going to college for you," I replied with a matter-of-fact tone.

Lana grew a little insulted by how I was making her feel bad for guilt tripping me for whatever reason, starring me down as if to say 'how dare you' without muttering the words. As much as I hated how she liked to treat me ever since we had Lucy, it was her attitude and strong opinions that attracted me to her in the first place; the fact that she never wanted anything serious when we first started hooking up didn't hurt, either. We were so alike, but our relationship was so messed up, I was beginning to believe more and more that opposite's attract more than like-minds. 

I wanted to get back on her good side; I was beginning to notice that she was trying to get mad and stay mad at me for whatever reason, so I swallowed my pride and caved into her, wanting to make her regret treating me like garbage when Lucy was right upstairs sleeping. "Come on, stop being like this.. I'm here now, you know I'll always come back, too. How could I ever forget about you and Luce, huh?" I asked, letting a smile take over my lips and I noticed her expression go less frustrated, looking away from my gaze briefly, but soon looking back. "How about you go let me do my thing and before you leave to do yours, I'll come pick up Luce?" I ask, compromising for her, "What time are you going out?"

"9:00pm.." She replies and I can tell by her tone and expression that she's warming up to me again.

"Okay, I'll be here at 8:30pm," I continued and I watched her nod in agreement. 

I stepped up closer to Lana and she let a smirk grace her lips as I put my arm around her and pulled her into a deep kiss, but before we could get too into one another, the faint sound of Lucy rattling her cage and calling for me stopped us mid kiss. I pulled away from her and she sighed lustfully, anticipating what we were about to do every time we saw one another and I could tell she didn't like being interrupted. But, I slowly let go of her and smiled, backing away from her slowly and she kept her eyes on me until she reached the fridge, deciding to make lunch as I went upstairs to my little girl.

I hadn't seen Lucy or Lana in over six months, and yeah, I felt bad about it.. But there wasn't much I could do. It's such a long drive from Bridgeport to the University, so it's hard for me to go back and forth at the drop of a hat whenever they may need me, so I often just end up visiting for their birthdays and also whenever I get out of college for the summer. I wish I didn't have to travel such far distances, but this was the only college that accepted me when I applied to what had seemed like hundreds of others. I was excited to see Lucy, quickly skipping a few steps as I went upstairs.

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" she called to me as I ran upstairs and went over to her crib. Her eyes lit up when she saw me and she was overjoyed, forcing me to give a wide smile and I picked her up instantly and began kissing her everywhere, hearing her giggle uncontrollably at the scruffiness of my beard that tickled her. 

"You've gotten so big! And you're so beautiful, just like your Mommy," I replied and she giggled more. There's one thing that has always perplexed me, but I've never been one to let myself get distracted from such weird thoughts.. But, to my surprise, it seemed that the more and more Lucy grew and matured, the less she looked anything like me. She looked like Lana, that was for sure, but the one thing that threw me off all the time was Lucy's eyes; I had no idea where the hell the green came from as I looked to her. No one in my family had green eyes, but then again, Lana might.. I've never been brave enough to ask her though, just because she would instantly think that I'm implying that Lucy isn't mine, and that would just open up a whole new world of hurt. I didn't want to know, anyways.. For how much time and money I've put into this girl, not to mention how much I was insanely in love with her, I'd never bring up such a sensitive subject at the risk of losing her. She was my daughter, that's what I always kept telling myself.

I tossed her in the air and flew her around like an airplane, watching as she laughed but also held onto my hands in the impulsive fear that I might drop her. I chuckled at her behavior, bringing her cheek to meet my lips for another kiss, "How have you been, Luce? How's your Momma treating you?" I asked, somewhat hoping Lana didn't overhear the second question.

"Good! Mommy and I go shopping a lot and it's so much fun! She always buys me new clothes and toys!" She replied and I kept my smile, satisfied with that answer.

"Well, good! I wanna have a sleepover, would you want to come over and sleep at Daddy's tonight?" I wondered and her face went excited and happy to the point where I thought she was going to pop.

"Yay! Sleepover, sleepover! Did you bring me anything back from your trip?" She asks and I chuckle; I see that Lana has been spoiling her to the point where she's always expecting to be given things.

I decided not to disappoint her, even though I didn't bring her anything, "Of course! It's at my house, you'll get it later, okay?" I asked and she smiled.

"Ooo! What is it? Tell me!" She asked happily and I let out another light laugh.

"It's a surprise, you don't want to ruin the surprise do you?" I wondered, watching as she then pouted and shook her head 'no'. "Don't worry, you'll get it later, I promise," I continued and she kept pouting, but nodded this time and I couldn't help but let out another chuckle; she was too cute for words.

I brought her downstairs with me and we watched as Lana continued to make lunch. I started thinking about what I wanted to get Lucy for her surprise, but I was having trouble thinking of anything.. I figured I would just stop somewhere on my way to or from the cemetery and grab her a random toy or something. 

"What 'cha makin', Mommy?" Lucy asked and Lana didn't even bother to turn around to answer her.

"Grilled cheese, baby doll," Lana answered and Lucy grew excited as she bounced in my arms. I had been noticing it for a while now, but as much as I wanted to believe that Lana was a good mother, I felt like every time I was there to visit Lucy, she would shut down and detach herself from us, as if she didn't know us or care to. She always seemed distracted, and whenever I came by, she always took the opportunity to force Lucy on me so she could go out and have fun. ..I admit, she probably deserved it, since she does have to be the one to deal with Lucy while I'm away at college, but she doesn't have to act like this in front of me or her. I didn't like that she didn't even look over her shoulder to see Lucy and I together; she didn't care, her mind was already too consumed with her plans this evening ever since I said I would watch Lucy.

"Hey, um.. I have to get going. I have things to do still since I got back that I haven't done yet, plus I wanna get the house ready for when Lucy comes over,"  I say to Lana, even though I had already straightened up the house before I left; as weird as it may seem though, I needed to get ready for when I went to the cemetery, I needed time alone to think and prepare myself. Lana looked over her shoulder finally and put the ready grilled cheese aside, walking up to us.

"Are you going to be here at 8:30 like you said? I don't want to have to put off my plans because you're late for whatever reason," she replied and I scowled slightly; I hated when she talked to me like this in front of Luce, it was so demeaning and it made me feel like a piece of shit that couldn't be trusted.

"Yes, I'll be here. I wouldn't miss it for anything," I replied with a cocky smile at Lana, then looking to Lucy and pecking her cheek. "I'll see you later, okay?" I said to Lucy and she smiled, pecking my cheek lightly in return and I handed her off to Lana, "I'll see you later.." I added, looking to Lana and giving her a warning expression, my patience wearing thin the more and more she gave me attitude for no reason and I left.

I got home and showered, changed, and checked myself out in the mirror as if I was getting ready to go to a wedding or something. But, despite my mother not being able to see me, I still made myself look nice for her. I starred at myself in the mirror, taking some deep breathes to try and calm my nerves. I looked to my phone and saw that it read a little after 6:oopm, so I finally decided to leave and get this heartache out of the way so I could see Lucy again later.

I took my time driving to the cemetery and it surprised me a little to still see that it was bright out, especially this late in the evening. I had had the windows down the whole ride there, letting the cool air run throughout the whole car, helping me keep my nerves at bay as I drove closer to something that I knew I still wasn't able to fully handle; even after all of these years, I hated that I still cried like a baby when it cames to visiting my mother's grave. I soon reached the gate and put it in park, rolling the windows up and taking a few more deep breathes before committing to getting out of the car.

I walked slowly through the grass, eyeing the other gravestones as I passed and chills started running up my spine, the hair on my arms were standing on end and my heartbeat only quickened the closer I approached their headstones. I finally reached their graves and I stood there for a moment, looking between my mother's and father's headstone and I already felt my heart sinking into my stomach.. I could feel my body beginning to tense as my gaze then was fixed on my mother's stone; I hated reading the dates.. She was too young and still full of so much life and love and all she wanted was to see us grow up and start families of our own. I could only imagine what her expression would be if she had found out Hitomi was getting married, or even when she had Helena.. Her first grandchild.. 

I couldn't do it. No matter how hard I always tried to hold it in, I just couldn't. Tears started filling my eyes and I covered my face even though I was the only one here. I would give anything to go back, I would do anything to just go back to that one fateful night where Hitomi and I passed the lit candles; why wouldn't we have noticed them? Blown them out? Why didn't it click that it smelled so odd throughout the living room as it filled with gas. I had convinced myself that Archor was trying to help, trying to save us kids, but why couldn't he have found a way to save Mom? She was the one that deserved to die the least, in my opinion. There were times when I even wished that I had never woken up and got Hitomi to follow me outside; those times were the hardest to get passed, but feeling no pain at all was so much better than feeling this every God damn year. I then wondered if Archor had a reason for it all, wanting to get rid of my father at all costs in order to save us kids from, well, whatever else he might've been capable of..

I felt pathetic; even my daughter and Helena didn't cry this much as I stood there balling my eyes out like a child that got his toy taken away from him; or, well.. In this case, his parents.. I sometimes wondered what my mom would say to me if she could see how I am now, I wondered if I was a disappointment or if I was going the wrong direction. I wanted to know if she would be as happy to see me like after that one night I had ran off after fighting with Dad and a police officer had brought me home. I had brought her to tears, I remembered, and I hated myself now for ever making her feel that way. I wanted to apologize for anything and everything that I had done that might've upset her, I wanted to do so many things..

After a while of sobbing, I finally managed to calm myself enough to where I could form words without my voice cracking, taking a few moments to clear my throat before finally able to talk with my mother. "Hey, Ma.." I began. I always felt stupid when I talked to her, even if no one was around to hear me; it just seemed so awkward, and I knew she would never respond, but it helped me in weird ways saying everything out loud instead of in my head. I liked to believe that she was watching over me, able to at least hear my words.. "It's been another year already, huh?" I asked, letting out a pathetic chuckle at myself, "Lucy is doing really well.. Lana is treating her good, for the most part, it seems.. I passed another semester of college, only got one year left.. Then I can come home and spend more time with Lucy instead of being away for nine months of the year.." My voice started to shake again so I stopped, taking a few more deeps breathes.

"You're probably wondering when the hell I'm going to settle down, huh? Well, not with Lana, that's for sure.. We'd end up getting divorced within a year, or worse yet, not even go through with the marriage. I did meet one girl though.." I began, thinking of Faline, "I know it's extremely premature for me to feel like this, but I can't seem to stop thinking about her. That's never really happened before," I continue, my lips twitching a slight smirk but it soon left. "The only thing about that is I have no idea where she's from, didn't get a number.. Hopefully I'll see her again next year for my last semester though." I finish, moving on to other things. "I'm sure Hitomi has told you how John and Helena are doing, if not, they're well.. Helena has a little cold or something, but she should be fine in a few days.. I wonder when Dwight will pop the question to Anya, too.. They're perfect for one another, and Anya wants children so bad.. I wouldn't mind a few more of my own, but only when I meet someone who's not Lana.." I let out another soft chuckle. 

My tears continued even though I was stable enough to talk, giving in to the pain a little and I laid in the grass and foliage that spread over their graves. I didn't know what else to talk about, but then again I didn't feel like leaving yet. Maybe one day I'll be able to bring Lucy here and tell her everything, maybe one day I'll be able to bring my future wife here and let her know what I've been through, what we all have been through. But, at this point, I didn't see that happening anytime soon. I could barely contain myself when I was driving up to the gate, how would I ever be okay enough with their deaths to the point where I would be able to talk about it with someone other than Mrs. Hughes, Lana's Mom? Even with her, I didn't confess everything I was feeling. I was happy my father was gone, ecstatic almost, but the grief I felt over losing my mother surpassed that happiness by miles and miles that never came to a dead end. 

After a while of just lying there and thinking, I looked to my phone and it read close to 8:00pm, so I decided to leave so I could regain composure before I pick up Lucy on time from Lana's. "Bye, Mom.. I miss you and love you, I'll see you on your birthday.." I begin, smirking and wiping a few more tears away from my face. I looked to my father's grave then, eyeing it with hate and I turn my back to him, "I hope you're rotting in hell you piece of shit," I finally say my first words to my father since I had gotten there, then beginning with a slow pace back to my car. 

I got to Lana's with about ten minutes to spare, so I take that time to compose myself more and check myself out in the rear-view mirror, making sure I didn't have bags under my eyes and making sure my eyes weren't red from the irritation of crying. I went up to Lana's and she already had Lucy ready for me with an overnight bag, but when I took a quick peak inside, it had clothes in there for her that would last about a week or two and I grew worried that Lana wasn't telling me everything. She always dumped Lucy on me the first chance she could get; I didn't mind Lucy or spending time with her, I just wish Lana was honest with me and would simply ask me to take her for a few days.. Now I knew that she was't going to take her back tomorrow, and we always played phone tag with one another for weeks it seems in order for me to ever give Lucy back.. Another thing I hated about Lana.

Lana practically kicked us out of her condo the moment I had gotten there, seemingly already in a hurry for whatever she was doing even though she told me her plans were around 9:00pm.. I brought Lucy to my place and put her in the living room, "Stay right here, okay? I'm going to go get your surprise, it's upstairs," I said with a smile and she bounced with excitement. I went and got her a teddy bear that I had bought her on my way home earlier; I felt a little guilty for not getting her something while I was at college like I had said I did, but at least I had gotten her something anyways.. 

"Okay, here you go, baby," I said with a smile and her eyes widened, already falling in love with the bear before I could give it to her.

"Wow! I love it, I love it! Thank you, Daddy! I'm gunna name her... Ummm.." She thought for a few long seconds, causing me to smile wider as I watched her adorable pondering expression, "May!"

"Well, May is a lovely name.. That's what month it is, too!" I said excitedly and she giggled, "I'm glad you like her," I continued and kiss Lucy's forehead. My stomach growls and I realize I haven't eaten anything since before I went to Lana's the first time, getting up and making my way to the kitchen.

"Do you want anything to eat, Luce? Are you hungry?" I wondered, looking through the fridge and trying to decide what to eat and also what I could give her even though she hadn't answered me yet.

"No, I ate before you got me," she answered and I hesitated.

"Well.. Let me know if you ever need a snack or something, okay?" I asked, grabbing some soup and heating it up for myself. I finished it as she still continued to play with May, I loved that she was so entertained by her and I loved how she always played with the things I got her more the things Lana does.. 

After I ate, Lucy and I watched television together and we also watched a movie that she chosen; she chose Tangled first, then she chose to watch Bambi. She eventually got hungry and I had Goldfish in the cupboard, so I fed her those as we watched the movie. The part when the other deer, Faline, comes in when Bambi is all grown up made me think of my own red-head Faline, wondering if I would ever see her again. I looked to Lucy as she watched the movie, wondering if Faline would mind me already having a child if I were to ever see her again and anything would become of us. I wondered why I was thinking about her so much, I knew it couldn't be love, it was too soon for that, so what was it? 

I looked down at Lucy when Bambi had ended, seeing that she was sleeping, "Lucy?" I asked quietly, not hearing her respond and I slowly slipped off of the couch, trying my hardest not to wake her and I shut off the DVD player and the television. She was so precious, I wouldn't know what to do if I never had her with Lana.. I probably wouldn't be in school, I probably would be getting in trouble more like I used to, and I would never have met Faline. I was thankful for her, I never wanted her to be out of my life. 

I quietly brought her upstairs, holding her close so she could continue to sleep in my arms. I got to my room and went through her overnight bag, changing her into her pajamas. She was awake while I was changing her, but barely, simply sitting there with her eyes shut as her head nodded from side to side from her exhaustion and I couldn't get over how adorable she was. I put her into her crib and she finally opened her eyes and looked to me, grabbing my hand before I left the side of her crib, "Night, Daddy," she said with a gentle smile.

"Goodnight, princess," I replied with a soft tone and kissed her forehead before she fell back and straight to sleep.

After Lucy had fallen asleep, I got ready for bed as well. I never liked much clothes when going to bed, but since my daughter was here, I thought it was necessary, so I put on a shirt and some pajama pants that I hadn't worn in years it seemed; I was only thinking that because they were kind of tight and the bottoms came above my ankles. I slipped into bed, watching Lucy sleep for a while and making sure she was comfortable, but by how fast she had fallen asleep in my arms and also in her crib, I smiled, realizing that she probably felt right at home and it made me feel good about myself; as if I was doing something right in my life. My daughter loved me and looked up to me, just the thought of it made me feel as if I could conquer anything. Now I know how my mother felt, the sheer joy of having a child and having them want to be around you, it feels awesome.. But, I also now knew how my father may have felt; all of my sisters, his daughters, loved him. But for me? I hated him, and now I had a reason to. Despite how much my sisters didn't believe me, I knew that my father was the reason for my mothers death.. I hoped if I ever had a son, he wouldn't feel that way towards me. I never wanted to give him a reason to, either. Ever.

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Original chapter written and posted on May 24, 2013